Comparison is the Thief of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

I love this quote so much for all that it pertains to for EVERY single person.

Not everything you see as you scroll through your phone is a true glimpse of reality. It’s just a picture perfect picture. Perfect yoga poses, bodies, places, outfits, jobs, lives are all painted in the small, but mighty squares. Unless honest words fall beneath the picture, our feeds seem to be flooded with insta-perfect grams or happy-book encouraging the the face to immediately scrunch and the mind sighs, “I wish I had or could do or looked like that.” 

Don’t compare yourself to everything you see. I don't want to sound cliche or cheesy but I'll say it anyways because it’s just. simply. true: You’re where you’re meant to be just as you are right now. Did you hear that bit in the middle ---just as you are---!!!!!!

It's true. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. And it's true because it is. And you’re perfect. Even if you feel imperfect. And you’ll figure it out. Whatever it is. And so will I. And I’ll work harder (because dang I need to) on focusing more on what I have and less on what I’m “missing.” And so will you. I'll remind myself that I am comparing or judging or leaping into the future. I'll come back to the present where I belong. And so will you. And we will steal our joy right back, the moment we make that decision to, for just right now, take a breath, and ahh, JUST BE.

HEAR / HERE

 Pain is pain. Suffering is suffering. Heartache is heartache. There's no sugar coating, there's no "but" -they are all assholes, plain and simple. They come in all shapes, sizes, forms, degrees at different times in our lives. I've been feeling a lot of pain from others lately and that tends to throw me into 'I want to help every person suffering right now' mode. Truly, I do.  Life can deal us some serious SHIT. I've been there. We have all been there. Life is unbearably painful and confusing and so beautiful and precious, all at the same time. There are so many whys and hows that have no answers, that deserve all the answers and explanations, and why the heck can't we have the freaking answers.  

I have always struggled with the phrase, "I'm sorry" - in the context of hearing bad news, conveying sympathy. Perhaps this phrase pushed its limit, lost its potency, with me in some of my own dark times. It quickly became the standard response or facial expression in conversation during my late teen years/early twenties when life decided to throw a million shit storms my family's way all at the same time. I by no means dismiss the authentic empathy that is behind those words, it's just a personal thing coming from a mindfully over-sensitive over-analyzer.  

I''ll keep this simple.......I HEAR YOU. And,  I AM HERE FOR YOU. That's what I want to say. That's what I want you to know. That's what I want you to hear. That's what I want you to feel. Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you are going through, I HEAR YOU, and I AM HERE FOR YOU. 

Get, that, dirt off your shoulder

"What's meant for me will never miss me, and what misses me was never meant for me." 

Ever feel like your stuck? Like all your efforts are getting you nowhere? Feel like quitting? Like you're just not good enough to advance your career? Yeah, me too. Truth is I've felt super defeated lately. I love, love, love what I do. But trying to grow and expand your own business is hard, especially in the yoga industry these days. Yeah, sounds totally contradictory, right? You don't even know. I've been turned down numerous times for offering workshops in different cities, turned down from involvement in yoga festivals, retreat collaborations, I've felt restricted by personal situations that have occurred, turned down for brand ambassador partnerships, and the list goes on and on...all opportunities that would allow me to reach & teach more people, just simply spread the love further. 

I saw something last week that was the final push and sent me into a huge rut. I felt totally defeated. I told myself it was okay to feel what I was feeling for a bit. I let myself feel. Had talks. Some serious, way deep down soul searching happened. I meditated. And then I woke up. I had a few really powerful teaching moments at the studio where I was reminded of why I do what I do. To touch lives. To touch any lives I can. Whether it's offering relief by guiding people through just the physical movement of the practice, or more deeper healing through mindful breathing and meditation, or through taking the time after a class to listen to someone who has a list of incomprehensible struggles, someone who really needs to be heard and loved. I am right where I am. I'm right where I'm meant to be. Serving who I'm meant to serve. Teaching even just one person in this lifetime is the greatest dream come true, the highest opportunity of all. 

YOU are right where you're meant to be. If something misses you, it was never meant to be. YOU are doing exactly what you're meant to be doing right now. And that's more than enough. Whether it's your career, parenting, relationships, working on yourself. You're doing GREAT. More than great. Let yourself feel. Then pick yourself up, dust your shoulders off, and carry on, because you are moving mountains RIGHT. WHERE. YOU. ARE.

Mindul Reset

I hit the RESET BUTTON by taking a week off social media while also grounding myself back at home after a few months of going non-stop + picking up steam on mindless habits along the way.

Here's what I did:

> DELETED all social media Apps from my phone for one week. 

> SPENT TIME reading, meditating, hanging around the city, BEING OUTDOORS.

And here's what I'm feelin' from that short yet VERY effective break:

> LESS ATTACHED to this rectangle I carry around. I realized that typically the first thing I do when I wake up is grab my phone. And check. And scroll. And throughout the day, this habitual, what feels almost addictive and compulsive act, continues. Check. Scroll. Check. Scroll. I needed to BREAK THAT HABIT and tune into see if I was using it as a deeper means of avoidance and distraction. 

> The answer is YES. Some of the time at least.  As I had time to dive deeper into my current Mindfulness read, I related words my eyes skimmed to experiences my mind could relate to. I became MORE AWARE that I often pick up my phone to distract myself from anything unpleasant- anxious thoughts, a worry, boredom, a fleeting fear, etc. 

>  OVER trying to 'keep up with the social-media-joneses.' YES this is a big one because YES it be would SUPER rad to get paid and sponsored to travel the world teaching yoga with all the free yoga clothes and a photographer and to be 6 feet tall with flawless skin and a ripped bod but DAMN it's time to stop reaching, wishing, crazily hashtagging, comparing, FOMO-ing, come back down to Earth, and start LIVIN THIS RAD LIFE I was given because gosh I'm lucky to be who I am, with what, and who I have, doing what I do, wherever I am. AND ALSO, there's no such thing as PICTURE PERFECT, it simply doesn't exist. PIXELS can only portray so much.

> And with a mind, body, and heart full of a week of unplugged reflection, all in all I FEEL REFRESHED . And ready to come back to my purpose with social media- to simply be connected, to share, to give and receive inspiration. It's  all about finding that sweet BALANCE. I missed the connection and community and being connected is part of me, and my job, so plugging back in I go. BUT I intend to limit my time on my phone going forward, and to be more mindful of my habits, of when and why I am picking up my phone to scroll, and exactly what it is that I'm choosing to consume. MORE MINDFUL, LESS HABITUAL, and a MORE AUTHENTICALLY ROOTED PURPOSE here to just simply write, share, receive, be me. 

Not All Who WANDER are Lost

"Now more than ever do I realize that I will never be content with a sedentary life, that I will always be haunted by thoughts of a sun-drenched elsewhere. "

Truth: I travel NOT to escape, or run, or search. It's quite the contrary. I travel because in between the balance of elsewhere and home, the unknown and known, that's where I find me. I travel because it's become part of me. Part of who I am. There are times YES where I wish I had caught this wanderlust pull and this gypsy spirit when I was much younger, so I could have fit the adulthood milestones template-explore/find yourself--> marriage--> babies. But I didn't follow that template. It just wasn't my path. Truthfully, I actually feel like I just found myself in recent years, I am 33, and I feel the most comfortable in my skin than I have EVER felt before. I often feel like oh here I am, we've been waiting for you! I am asked constantly why I travel, when am I going to have kids, and those are totally reasonable questions but I don't have all those answers and I've put a lot of pressure on myself lately to dig, and dig, and find the answers. 

When I write things openly here I often hold myself accountable-so, that's what I'll do. A gentle reminder to myself and anyone else who needs it: just allow yourself to be content exactly as you are. Give yourself permission. Step out of your mind, loosen your grip, take a breath, and let that wave of life flow you along to the next wave that's meant for you. In this moment you are EXACTLY where you are meant to be.

So do just that ---BE---

Digital Detox

 WHIRLWIND SUMMER. I have been going non-stop, literally, since May. I have been on 12 flights, to 4 countries, and led 3 Yoga Retreats with my new Moonbeam business in 3 different states, in 3 months. Whew, it actually exhausts me just typing that! This has been the most inspiring, rewarding, awakening summer of my entire life. It is also the hardest I have ever worked in my life...this girl is pooped. But gosh it's the best kind of tired there is- the kind of tired that follows growing your own business, seeing your dreams begin to bloom, touching lives.

I had planned to treat myself to the ocean this week after finishing my final summer retreat but I honestly can't bring myself to pack another bag. And so I feel this pull to disconnect right now. Here at home. To just be and to be at its SIMPLEST degree. To rest, relax, read, yoga, meditate. I have been craving another training but realized I have an abundance of studies to take me deeper right in front of me- piles of Mindfulness & Yoga books that are calling my name.

As I have spent a lot of time out in nature this summer, and teaching mindfulness to groups, I have become increasingly aware of my own habits, thoughts, and my desire to feel more awake. I spend WAY too much time on my phone, looking down instead of up- scrolling, just to scroll, literally for no reason at all except to avoid or distract. And when I do pick up my phone I often compare, judge, feel envy, wonder how to gain more followers just so that I can be doing this and that in that amazing location like that person is doing....and thus enters the anxiety spiral. That ain't healthy y'all. We waste SO much time on our phones- so many moments where we could instead be experiencing our actual lives or reading a book to fuel our knowledge. So this is me, peacing out for a bit, spending time disconnecting to reconnect, resting, recharging, re-centering....spending time to JUST BE, AND TO BE AT ITS SIMPLEST DEGREE. 

Let's talk 30s + Friendship

Dear diary/jourmal/blog, I'm so sorry I started you and then left you high and dry. I've got thoughts and emotions whirlin' through this head of mine so it's time to get typing. I was browsing through my Europe pictures looking at the whirlwind of happiness I had visiting my gals in London and it got me thinking of something that's been weighing on me, something that often weighs on me. I hope to share not by means of saddling up Lucy (that's the name of my high horse I tend to ride, and in case you are wondering Lucy is a gray Thoroughbred and she is super fast and spirited and also happens to look a lot like a unicorn)....but rather as a means of well heck, maybe you feel this way too.

Every year on my birthday, I go through this "thing." I get super sensitive and it has nothing at all to do about turning a year older. Over the past 6 years or so I have gone through MAJOR friendship transitions that stung like hell and sent me straight to therapy and I still struggle.  As we grow older, we change SO MUCH, and thus who we connect with can change just as much. Around the time I started my yoga teacher training is when the biggest shifts started to occur. I was changing. I was seeing more clearly those that were a positive light and those that were sucking every bit of emotion out of me through hurtful actions. I started to shy away from situations where I would have to be around the few that brought me down, interactions that would make me feel physically sick,  which unfortunately also meant losing time with and hurting all of the ones who still continued to hold me up. 

I was bullied when I was little and I don't know if I have ever even said that out loud. I would find "dog" "ruff ruff" and pictures of dogs (okay, I get it, you think I'm a dog) written all over my notebooks and folders. That's a hurt you never forget and you learn how to build walls so damn high real damn quick to prevent it from ever happening again.  Said wall went up right when I felt similar emotions come back during that time. Slow fast forward and hundreds of therapy dollars later sans the details in between, the ones that were meant to stick, stuck, and that's what matters most.

Through the gift of yoga I have met some of the most magical, authentic, and caring beams of light from home and all over the world. Over recent years, I have made new friendships that feel like they've existed forever; I've had existing friendships grow even stronger; I've had some go through waves of ups and downs and back up again; I've reconnected and intend to reconnect with ones I miss so much; I have been thrown back through the friendship ringer with a situation that shattered me back into a million bazillion pieces; and had more people drop me as fast as you can drop it like it's hot.  Life is a constant ebb & flow of change. It's just the way it is.  And the more you change, the more you just want to cut the bullshit and hang out with people that get you and that only make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

Which brings me back to my annual birthday crazy spell. After a couple shitty birthdays during aforementioned transitions, I get UBER sensitive on my birthday. It ain't pretty and it has nothing to do with it being my birthday. So much so that my husband now plans trips for us to go out of town almost every year on my bday. Without saddling Lucy, and having to pole jump to get on her back and ride off into the sunset, I'll just say this: remembering, any little thing, goes a long way ; taking the time to send any note of love any time goes even further; and social media has the power of feeling so loving and personal while feeling equally and hurtfully impersonal all at the same time.

When it comes down to it, I wouldn't say I have a "lot" of friends. I don't have a go-to group of girls that would take me out for my birthday or any occasion. And I am reminded of that each year. And each year, after I exit said crazy spell, and hop down from Lucy who somehow grows ten feet taller May 20,  I become more okay with that. Or at least I try. BECAUSE I've got a lot of people from all over the world that love me. And the few friends I have, old and new, are g*damn awesome. And life should be less about quantity, more about quality, and about cherishing and growing. And mostly I remember the importance of continually showering those you love with love, without there needing to be an occasion to do so.  

Sup Spring.

[insert inspiring Spring quote that quite frankly I didn't feel like looking up because I want to share less fluff and more of me] 

This was my view the first day of Spring last year. Today's view and feel is drastically different with heavy storms and gray skies that seem to be never-ending and my body and voice are tired from a lot of teaching lately and someone is currently screaming on the street outside my window and I just really want them to stop and I am sure they will soon when the cops inevitably come but in the meantime for the love of my meditation please stop and I just really really want to be in in the middle of the ocean right now with a glass of rose isolated in this magical paradise in the middle of the world.

OKAY, I'm done. Darn I have missed writing. You get to write whatever the hell you are feeling without trying to physically appear that you are still doing "awesome!" today. I am currently wearing an off-the shoulder (cause I'm trendy like that, but wait for it) bright blue sweat shirt that has a picture of an airbrushed siamese cat on it and my crazy hair looks as if I have just recently been electrocuted to the intensity level that my husband just laughed me when he popped in from work.

As a Yoga Teacher I spend a lot of time being "on." You create space to hold people up and when done with a full heart, that can require a lot of energy. I love every single moment I spend teaching but every now and then I need a day, like today, to turn off. My body and voice are tired and my mind feels heavy as hell today. A recent retreat opportunity that I was totally stoked for fell through. Another retreat has me struck with fear about filling sooner than later as a LOT was invested in it. A few other private teaching opportunities have fallen through the cracks and I've been contemplating a change but I have no clue which way to go. Change is scary, Risk is fucking terrifying. And both are taunting me today. Instead of hitching a ride on the "what-the-effing-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life" or the "fresh-season-fresh-start-figure-out-all-of-your-goals-hopes-and-dreams-TODAY" train, I am choosing to stay on the platform, watching those trains cruise by. Today I choose simplicity. I choose to chill in my comfy creepy cat shirt with my electrocuted looking curls and if at least just for today, I'm allowing all of me to just simply be.

Hello Again Old Friend

Is this thing on.......

Robin McKerrell Photography

Once upon a time I had a fashion blog, you know when every single girl on the planet also had a fashion blog. I dropped it when I realized (shockingly) that no, I was not going to get discovered and become one of those "I get paid to travel the world and wear all the beautiful free designer clothes that are sent to me" girls. Damn. But, looking back, I think the most gratification I actually received from blogging was writing- just raw, honest writing. I have always loved to write. Ah yes, dating back to the sweet age of 11 when as a fresh, up and coming mystery writer, I wrote my first short story thriller entitled, "The Invisible Car." As to not leave you in forever suspense while these classic scrolls are still being recovered, this short story is indeed about an Invisible Car. 

My how my writing has changed over the years. From diary writing about the one zillion boys I fell in love with in grade school (any one else remember their preschool love, cause I do, shout out to Peter and Jacob, yes, we were in a fiery, tumultuous love triangle at the age of 4), to suspenseful short story thrillers, to fashion, to now what-the-heck-is-she-possibly-going-to-write-about?  Good question. I am here because:  (a) I recently discovered this Blog tab on my website and (b) simultaneously realized that my social media posts can be um a bit lengthy if you will, so a + b = heyyyy!  I literally woke up this morning and thought, hell why not. And quite frankly I am totally content if this is just me. writing to myself, with zero readers. I'll think of it as my adult diary. And in typical Andrea-style, I have absolutely no agenda.  If I had to guess, I assume you will find a total hodgepodge of the following: yoga and mindfulness (duh), total random ramblings, a splash of fashion, a whole lot of rawness and realness, traveling adventures, and if you are damn lucky, maybe someday, the awaited sequel to "The Invisible Car."